Tag Archives: Fuck

For

Questions begin to bubble up

As breath is grasped for after the recent race

What is this all for?

Realizing there was never a charter

A list of reasons to attach to

To given meaning to the dark times

To relish in those sappy times

It’s only been chaos

A quickening race to the finish

Random resolutions

Disassociated from any goal

Just moving forward

Always one foot in front of the other

Benign clarity hiding behind simple logic

Jump into the depths

Look for an enhanced path

Ask the right questions, finally

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How Far Will You Get Alone?

How many times have you traveled here?
The same conversations repeating
Body language coded throughout the night
Maybe one or two more times
Then complete disappearance
No longer interested
So many fucking fish
Another crackle in the fire
An arrow shot in the heart
Never finding the counter balance
The things that fills the gaps in our souls
Empty skin can only withstand so much life

Substance is needed more than ever
Though there is little I could change
My attempts fall all across the spectrum
From egregious to simplistic
Traveling farther and farther from home
Dancing under strange rains
Crying while the sun beams across the world
Forgetting how strange this all is
Skating along the edge of a blade
Tempting righteousness without just cause

Surrounded by blood thirsty demons
Calculating every move on the board
Knowing they can only steal single souls
Ones without family
Ones without love
So as the rounds wear you down
Remember the fight is only beginning
Soon the real war will break out
How far will you get alone?

Her

Maybe I am going crazy
Maybe I am loosing my balance
But I swear I see your face everywhere
When I sit at a bar you ask “can I see your ID?”
When I open the door you smile at me
When I kiss you my heart melts
But…it’s never you
Just shadows taunting the roads I paved
Never knowing if anything can be saved
We know that all are damned from the start
Yet we gleefully laugh in the face of conclusions
As if nothing ever ends
As if your lights were out before love died
As if you ever had a fucking chance
How dare you try to quell the tide of time
Surrounding your thoughts with hope
Acceptance should have resonated
Moving forward should have been protocol

But!
The ultimate rebuttal
But!
You really believe love exists
You really think the sun will shine one day
You REALLY think you have a chance
A pessimist would think it’s cute
A pragmatist would think it’s counterintuitive
An idealist will encourage the hope in your soul
Push forward through all resistance
Take the casualties and learn from mistakes
Fight the war you were drafted into
Dare to make strides towards your vision

It was all conjured by your face
A hope found all over the place

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Under A Grey Sky

where did I lose the ball?
when did my sight become so backwards
scattered mornings and frantic breakfasts
coffee black with two packs of shame
two broken eggs heated over fire
one long puzzled gaze
when did the ball even matter?
something to hold on to and pass on to someone
something to give me purpose and reason
when did those things matter?
there’s no one here so what’s the point
there’s no sun so why go to the beach
there’s no night so why go to sleep
there’s only me
scrambling around under a grey sky.

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The Man Jumped

This was written from a writing prompt found on reddit, which was “And so the man jumped…”

And so the man jumped, blocking the numerous calls for reason that fell upon his ears. Nothing mattered besides that cool, blue water that rippled below. The horrors that wait were predictable and more easily acceptable than the horrors that plagued this man’s daily life.  The days filled with a cacophony of bullshit, lost dreams and endless nights. Tears would sometimes flow down his cheeks in the darkness, when that familiar wave of regret grasped control of his mind. “She stopped loving me because I couldn’t stop fucking things up. They disowned me because I changed into something less than zero. I gave up because no one would stand by my side.”

This man did not lead a completely lonely life; he had those surface-level acquaintances that would help him pass time at a bar or while smoking a cigarette at work. These people certainly helped move his life forward at a less excruciating pace, but the pain was still there. Booze and drugs could only do so much to quell the storm, and in those desperate nights to forget he would binge like Bukowski. Have you ever chugged a handle of whiskey while tears rolled down your flushed cheeks? Have you ever had problems snorting drugs off of glass because tears clumped up the powder? Have you ever broke a bottle and held it to your wrist because it was the last thing you had control of? Life or death; that ultimate choice that Shakespeare turned into a cliched expression.

What was wrong with choosing death? The people who say that life is beautiful and you shouldn’t waste your ‘one shot in this world’ are cowards. They refuse to accept that the other side may be better than this side. Your body will be gone, but your consciousness may live on (if those fairy tales I heard in church as a child were at least semi-true). If you die and everything goes to black, who gives a fuck? One day everyone is going to end up there anyway, so why not have some control over your destiny and decide how your death unfolds.

So this man decided to jump off a very tall bridge that connected the city that never went to bed to a land that was the stark opposite. It was 4 AM when he made it to the middle of the bridge, which is universally regarded as the “hour of regret.” He took a handful of pills that the doctor gave him to calm his nerves, and he opened up a bottle of very expensive whiskey. Mine as well go out with the good shit, right? He stepped up on the railing and steadied himself on a cable. He looked at the water and then at the bottle. Death waits down there, but he couldn’t let himself die in his current state. The drugs haven’t kicked in and he was still haunted by his mind which was working overtime to show him images that made his soul cry. His eyes started to water. He took a long swig as a man started to scream from a stopped car behind him. The man paid no mind to the other’s words.

As the man continued his quest to finish the bottle of whiskey, more people gathered around behind him. These people were trying to rationalize his decision, but what the fuck do they know? Not one of those people behind him were anybody he knew, so their words meant nothing. He decided to have fun with this and turned around to the crowd and asked them to bring him the woman who broke his will to live all those years ago. Bring her here so she can make a case for survival.

When she arrived she was in her pajamas and tears seemed to be swelling in her eyes. When she saw the man those tears started to fall. What had he become? Nothing more than a warped shell of the man he once was. She said his name and he almost lost his grip on the cable that stabilized him. She told him she was sorry for how it ended, but this is not the way to deal with it. The future holds so much hope and blah blah blah. He downed the last drops of the whiskey and threw the bottle over the bridge. The crowd gasped. She came closer to him and pleaded for him to step down and come talk to her. She hadn’t seen him in five years and had no idea what had happened, but she said she would help him through it.

The man laughed a laugh that would haunt the woman for the rest of her days. “What the fuck do you know? You broke me, and the last thing I want is your help. You’re the devil as far as I’m concerned. You were the catalyst for everything that happened! The pills, the booze, the drugs, the tears. THIS. Don’t you ever forget that you hold the blame, and no other.”

And so the man jumped. The last thing he saw was her hand outstretched towards him, tears flowing freely from her eyes. Good, fuck her. She ruined his life and now maybe he ruined hers. As he fell he smiled. Maybe she would be standing where he once stood, but she would not be able to call the man who was responsible for her downfall. She would be crying out to empty stars, distraught with the havoc she had inadvertently created. Isn’t that a metaphor for the tapestry of life? Who knows what happens when another injects dissonance into the spectrum of life. Consequences rippling through the world like the waves of the ocean. If life were a symphony, it would certainly be atonal.

The man who jumped, he began floating down the Hudson, slowly being torn apart for fish food…and that was ok. Finally he had a purpose in this fucked up weird as shit world.